Home > FtB, Thinking Time - Put on your hardhats > Fuck me. No, seriously, please. Oh, wait, stop.

Fuck me. No, seriously, please. Oh, wait, stop.

When the girlfriend and I started fucking, everything was very egalitarian.  We’d take turns.  My understanding is that turn-taking is quite common in lesbian relationships.  It was her first time being with a girl, and frankly, my sexual experience previous to her (one person), was not particularly varied.  Still, it was deeply exciting, wonderful, amazing sex.  Then we got a strap-on. Believe it or not, even more wonderful, exciting, amazing sex.  Then we found that things started to lean one way.  I was naturally more drawn to topping, and wearing the cock, and she was naturally more drawn to bottoming.  Actually, it’s sort of an understatement to say the gf is drawn to bottoming.  She drops into sub-space so fast it could spin your head.  It’s one of my favorite things in the world, actually.

Anyway, you can fast forward to now, she and I have had a lot of sex and we’ve played with various dynamics.  Consistently, we come back to one that plays with my masculinity/top personality and her femininity/bottom personality.  Not that it has to be that way, but that’s the way it is for us.  I have been wanting to play more with my masculine/bottom personality, because I suspect that even though topping comes easily for me, that ease is a result of a subconscious conflation of masculine = in charge.  I have trouble handing myself over to someone, even a wonderful femme like my girlfriend, because I worry about what they’ll do to me and if I will lose control of the situation, and I worry about it not-a-sexy way.  (As opposed to, “oh noooo, please don’t fuck my ass with your gigantic hard cock, oh, plhbtrft, it feels so good.”)

I have heard people talk about stone before and I just…don’t think it’s me.  I remember when she and I started having sex, I was adamant about being penetrated: “I like it, please do it.”  I remember laying, spent, after coming again, really hard, with my girlfriend inside of me, and really, really loving it.  The feeling of closeness, the way it felt to get pounded really hard.  Plus, I have some pretty spectacular natural lubrication abilities that make penetrative sex extra enjoyable for me.

But for the past year, things haven’t been like that.  On the one hand, our sex continues to be extremely fulfilling, but on the other, I miss getting fucked.  And please don’t misunderstand me.  This problem isn’t the result of lax communication.  I keep trying to find ways to enjoy being penetrated again, but it just won’t come back. I find it upsetting.

Last night, my girlfriend and I were having sex.  She was going down on me, and it felt really good. For the past month or so, I’ve said, the next time we have sex, try to penetrate me, I’m feeling better about it.  So, last night, she followed instructions (such a good girl), and put her finger inside of me.  But as soon as I  felt her finger, I froze up and stopped enjoying myself.  I had to tell her to stop.  We took a break and kept going, and finished up the way that we normally do.  Me, with my cock on, fucking her.

I feel fine about having sex like that, I love it too.  I just don’t understand what’s happened to me in the past year that I’ve gotten to be…stone.  It’s not a word I identify with.  I don’t miss being treated like a girl in bed, but penetration isn’t necessarily feminine.  It’s just that when it happens, I get so anxious that sex isn’t fun anymore.  I do not want to be stone, and yet, it often looks like my sex is between a stone butch and a femme.

Sometimes I wonder if I am just kidding myself, and our past sex life filled with penetration on both ends (bah dum, ching!) was just an illusion brought about by all those crazy love chemicals.  Did I ever like penetration? It’s hard to tell, my sex life is not particularly storied.  I had sex with my ex, and she didn’t like it when either she or I strapped on, and frankly, after we stopped having sex about 6 months into the relationship (another story, for another time), our sex life is not the best indicator of anything.  I did hook up with one other person and he (!!) started to put his fingers inside me before I stopped him and said, “No, no, please don’t do that.”  I don’t know why I said that, though.

I don’t know.  Thoughts? How do I start enjoying penetrative sex again?  Have you ever “phased out”? Did you phase back in?  Can I? Or should I just accept my sex life the way it is now?  Or if I know that I cognitively desire something that used to be a lot of fun for me, isn’t that a good reason to keep trying it?

  1. July 1, 2010 at 10:58 am

    It sounds to me like you are feeling so much anxiety about this taht there’s no way you’re going to enjoy it w/ your GF, so maybe you need to try some alone penetrative time whilst masturbating?

    • July 1, 2010 at 11:07 am

      This is a good suggestion. If I am *ahem* alone, I do use penetration if the feeling takes me. But maybe I should be trying it with some dildoes, rather than just my hand. That would probably make me comfortable when the situation arises with the girlfriend, as I know sometimes my anxieties can center around pain, “is it too big? oh my god, it is, there’s no way I can do that!”, and similar things. Ha.

  2. July 1, 2010 at 11:41 am

    This is totally the wrong thing to suggest but here goes: Get drunk first? My girl often tells me how much she’d like to strap it on, because we, too, practiced the 50/50 thing when we first got together, but I think the last time she did so was over a year ago. I was a little tipsy and loved it. We were also both feeling really over-the-top enamored with each other because we ran into her ex on my 21st birthday.

    That said, if she’s going down on me I enjoy a finger or two without any hesitation usually. But we have shifted the top/bottom distribution a lot and I think she’s nervous that I’ll eventually phase out as well, but I don’t see that happening, and like you, I don’t want that to happen.

    • July 8, 2010 at 3:02 pm

      I don’t think this is bad advice for my personal situation, considering I don’t mind and don’t have a problem with light drinking (1-2 drinks) to remove inhibition. I’d worry about other people getting the wrong idea. Sometimes the gf and I split a bottle of wine and tussle around. It makes me feel like I’m in freshman year again! Which was not so long ago, but still.

  3. G
    July 3, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    I’m a big believer in just doing what I enjoy. There used to be some things that I used to have some anxiety about, and the more I tried to analyze it or fix them, the worse it got in my head. I had a lot of “I should be enjoying this!” talk going on in my head, and when I let go of those expectations, it got MUCH better. Just do what you like. And in regards to phases, I totally go through phases of liking some things better than others for any given time.

    Also, my two cents on stone: I think it’s like being butch – it can mean different things to different people. I certainly believe I have some stone tendencies, but I used to be so opposed to that; “I like to be touched in certain ways, so I CAN’T be stone.” But that’s just it for me – I like to be touched in certain ways. Do you read Packing Vocal’s blog? Holden wrote a great post about being stone that was really enlightening to me.

  4. July 6, 2010 at 8:15 pm

    It’s great to discover your blog! I think G is right that stone can and does mean different things to different people. In this post, you equate stone with refusing penetration, but I would never call a butch who didn’t want to be penetrated stone. I don’t think stone is about particular sex acts. Nor am I a fan of the old school definition of stone as untouchable, since for me this doesn’t register the complexity of stone sexualities. BTW stone isn’t just a butch sexuality–there are stone femmes too! You might be interested in this: http://sublimefemme.wordpress.com/2008/10/07/stone-femme/

    On a more personal note, I relate to your concerns because I tend to worry when things change sexually (not good, I know). My butch-identified partner experienced some sexual changes during the past year or so and, for me, the biggest problem has been her difficulty talking about them. So my advice would be to stay in touch with your own feelings/desires and continue to communicate with your GF. it sounds to me like you 2 have a really healthy relationship!


    • July 8, 2010 at 2:59 pm

      I’m happy to be discovered! To you and G: I think I need to think and read more about stone. My understanding of it is that “stone” means that they are always whatever it is they are. So like – I may be able to bottom (in a kinky sense, not a penetrative one) but I definitely need to always be addressed and treated in a masculine way in bed. I think – as I said – that outside of bed I know that penetration isn’t necessarily feminine, but in the moment, I tend to think, “Ahhh, what’s happening, why am I being treated like a girl!?” So I guess I also know that a refusal of penetration isn’t necessarily stone, but this post didn’t really come off that way. But I definitely think I need to do more research! Both reading and fieldwork – of course.

      To SF: Thanks. We work really hard. I mean, it comes easy to work so hard because we are very much in love but we also acknowledge that we work pretty hard to communicate our needs and understand the other’s. And yeah, change panics me and I wish so much that it didn’t! Especially because neither of us are unhappy.

  5. Faggot Boi
    July 8, 2010 at 8:21 pm

    There’s nothing wrong with having sex the way you’re having sex now, and you shouldn’t feel bad for not enjoying penetration anymore. That said, it may come back, with the same or a different partner. Personally, I can’t imagine being penetrated by a femme partner, because it makes me feel like less of a “man,” and adhering to this gender binarism is something that I feel guilty about. Men can get fucked, I say in my head, but only by other men. But the fact that I’m not extremely attracted to feminine women might also be a factor in this.

    Another idea: get on your hands and knees and pretend your girl hole is your asshole. Or get fucked in your asshole. If your issue is control, this might not help, but if it is gender, then changing the posture from which you’re penetrated could help you feel more butch.

  6. July 9, 2010 at 8:14 am

    I think I feel much the same way. That somehow letting my femme partner penetrate me is weird and not “manly”.

    Regarding your last idea, we are working me up to trying this (in addition to the suggestion that I spend some time alone). We’ve done a little bit of role-playing where I am “her boy” and she is an authoritative figure, like a teacher or something. That helps me a lot too, especially if she uses words and dirty talk to emphasize masculinity. In missionary, looking down, being able to see my girl parts…you’re right, it’s not the most helpful posture. I say working me up because clearly I need to be more comfortable alone before trying this again. And if it doesn’t work, I think I need to learn to be okay with it.

  7. Stat
    August 5, 2010 at 8:20 pm

    Recently found your blog, enjoyed this particular item, it resonated as have some of the comments. Thanks for your open sharing.

  8. Tori
    September 14, 2010 at 3:02 am

    Thank you for posting this! I know that I am commenting long after you posted this but oh well . . .
    I have a similar problem. I love topping. But I also want to get fucked. I used to really enjoy penetration until I started to come into my femme top identity. This all started to develop in my last relationship in which like yours we started out taking turns and then eventually I was always topping her. Whenever she topped me I could not relax and enjoy myself. I feel like I am just coming into this identity and am hesitant to do things that might go against it. So even though I know you can bottom even if you love topping, subconsciously I don’t believe it. I feel like the more comfortable I get with who I am the more likely I will be to enjoy getting fucked. Or maybe I will realize that penetration is simply not my thing. So long as my partner and I both enjoy each other it does not really matter.

    • September 14, 2010 at 6:50 am

      I never miss a comment. How interesting to hear a femme’s perspective. I wonder if it is less tied to masculinity than I think.

      When my girl tops me, it’s usually – is this embarrassing to admit? – me as some poor helpless virgin boi, and her as an omnipotent femme figure. I usually end up fucking her, at her command, while she whispers dirty things in my ear and I pretend to be a shocked 17 year old. It’s lovely. But it’s also an idea for you, to incorporate penetration into your sex life. Well, I’m sure it’s already occurred to you, but just in case.

  1. October 14, 2010 at 3:33 pm

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