Well, well, well.

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while.  That’s the thing, I guess, about a personal blog.  You probably started it cause you have a lot of personal shit to deal with!  I hope you don’t mind when my posts are infrequent.  Here are things I’ve been doing:

  • Doing really well at work.  The flip side of this coin is that it means higher expectations, and thus, more work.  So I’ve been really busy.
  • Studying for the GMAT. Probably the least fun part of my life.
  • Rugby season started.  I wish this meant wonderful, great things for me, but instead, I’ve hurt my knee and am not sure what my gametime availability is looking like.  It’s been kind of depressing.
  • I’ve decided to move out and live on my own, without roommates.  Currently the most exciting part of my life.

There’s been a lot to talk about, particularly surrounding my gender, my relationship with my body, and growing up.  That will all have to wait, because the reason I got on here was to talk about something sad.  A friend of mine died from high school.  We hadn’t spoken in about 2 or 3 years, but we were close at the time.  It’s sad.  I have no idea how it happened – it could have been a drug overdose, car accident, health problems… At times like this, I feel the distance between me and home.  There’s no one here that I can reach out to and say, “Can you believe this happened? Let’s watch her favorite movie and eat some food and talk about old times.”  I can’t thumb through the notebooks she gave me with rules and ideas written on the first page, and think about things.  Instead my sadness feels disconnected, like it doesn’t really exist in this world.  There’s nothing physical to tie it to me, no conversation I can have out loud that will place it into relief.  Nothing to catalog it as What’s Happened.

Do you ever think about how someday, the number of dead people will exceed the number of living people on Facebook?  I’m old fashioned.  I prefer to send a hand-written card. And flowers, if appropriate.

Update: I just found out the cause was suicide.  I’m sorry to hear that, of course.  My first reaction was “even sadder”, because someone’s thought that life isn’t worth living seems even sadder than an “unavoidable” accident.  I don’t know if that’s really true though.  Death at this age is just sad all around, no matter how it comes about.  And then, you know, you think, maybe if I had reached out…but what ifs are silly in these situations.

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  1. March 15, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    oh that’s so sad :( I’m sorry… it’s strange, an old friend of my girlfriend’s just died, too, and my initial thought on reading this post was “I wonder if it’s the same person” but then, of course, it’s not, because she grew up in Vermont… and then that made me even sadder because it means that young people die every day, and every one of them is loved.

    so much heartache.

    • April 26, 2010 at 9:35 am

      I have this sneaking suspicion that at some point, our lives will intersect. Surely the world of twenty-something ex-college presidents of gay groups is not that large? Perhaps we can engineer such an intersection next time I am in San Francisco, or you are in Chicago. Ha!

      But yes. I also have some friends who go/went to Cornell, and of course…It’s just sobering. And it makes me grateful to be alive and loving life and eating cupcakes.

  2. March 16, 2010 at 11:00 pm

    I’m sorry to hear that. I lost two lesbian friends (the only lesbians I knew) in high school to suicide. It’s so sad, especially when we’re so young. Alphafemme is right, it does make it sadder to know that we each have our stories like this and that there is all this sadness floating around. But at the same time, it unifies us, I think. It means while I may have nothing else in common with you, now I have something. And I can understand you that much better. And it makes you and everyone else that much more human, because that’s a tie we can all understand. Strength to you, in whatever form it takes.

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