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Date Night.

February 11, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

Guten tag, friends. I will likely be posting less frequently, now that introductions are out of the way. The picture above is of my body, clothed in the clothes that I went out with my girlfriend last night. You see, I am going out of town this weekend to surprise my dad on his birthday party day. So – I went out with my girlfriend last night on his birthday, since I will be spending Valentine’s Day with him.

The clothes are new, which is why I’m posting a picture of them. Putting on the khakis was so delicious, I’m not sure I can describe it. It felt incredible, almost like coming into my own, if you’ll pardon the over-used metaphor. But it really did – whenever I have doubts about myself “making up my gender”, I can look back to that feeling. I felt so good about myself and the way I looked, rather than the rather practical approach I have to my appearance most of the time.

This weekend, I am going home, as I said, and my mother insists that I wear a dress. I don’t have a problem wearing women’s slacks, and women’s polos, and women’s button up shirts, and even women’s t-shirts with sequins on them. But I don’t really like wearing dresses. And yet, I will, cause it’s my dad’s birthday, and it will make him happy – and I’m not ready to come out as butch in front of him and all of the family friends that I’ve known since I was a wee la(d/ss). So. Dress. The most appalling thing to me is not the dress, it’s the fact that I’m going to have to shave all the hair I’ve spent so much time growing. But the hair will grow back. As for the dress, it’s one night, it will make him happy – and I’ll still be butch. Just a butch looking rather uncomfortable in a dress.

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Categories: Introduction
  1. Dig
    February 11, 2010 at 10:19 am

    Sometimes we wear dresses (or anything!) to still have relationships with those that matter to us. I refuse to do so any more and have been happier because of it. One day you may put your foot down, but anyone who eventually gets to the “men’s clothing only” point that they want, has at some point done the awkward dress wearing.

    You’re no less of who you are because you cope with what you got, you’re just making it work for now. But I just want you to know that with time, you may grow more courage and understanding to tell mom and dad, flat out no, and sometimes it works out that they respect you more for it after the fact.

    • February 14, 2010 at 2:20 am

      I really appreciated this comment. It struck the right balance between making me feel okay to feel like I should put on dresses for the right people now and making me feel like I will have space to refuse to do so later.

  2. February 11, 2010 at 11:30 am

    maybe you could wear tights, and thus avoid shaving?
    your mother sounds an awful lot like mine.

    • February 14, 2010 at 2:21 am

      My mother sounds much more terrifying than she is, actually. I always have difficulty talking or writing about her…she really is a nice person. Just very opinionated and stubborn. She’s a feminist role model in some ways; the quintessential “bitch”. Does that make sense? I love her, though I disagree with her about gender. Otherwise she’s actually quite open-minded.

  3. February 11, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    We all do what we have to do. I would have never gotten the TATS on my legs or forearm if my Mother was still alive. The one I have on my shoulder she never saw because I was able to hide it all the time when I was around her. Wearing a dress for one night? It’s not going to kill you and like you said it’s going to make your Dad happy. Little things like this are easy to do and they don’t compromise who you are.

    BTW, those khakis look hot on you. ;)

    • February 14, 2010 at 2:23 am

      Man, tattoos! One thing I will never do, and my mom is probably ecstatic about that. I am not dead, and it made my dad very happy. So that made me happy, although the initial “reveal” was hard.

      Thanks for the compliment. I love my khakis…they are waiting for me in Chicago! I may sleep in them, because I’m so relieved to see them again.

  4. February 11, 2010 at 1:38 pm

    Hey, your mother sounds like my partner’s mother! And I was going to say the same thing that strangely did above: consider TIGHTS! Heavy, sweater-like ones! Almost leggings–but not quite. Also, not-so-heavy opaque black can camo leg hair nicely.

    I agree that sometimes we do things for people we love–not because we want to– but because we love them and *they* want us to.

    • February 14, 2010 at 2:24 am

      Everyone seems to like tights! I don’t own any…believe it or not.

  5. G
    February 11, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    I admire your willingness to make things easier on the people you love, but don’t lose yourself in the process. It’s not like you’re compromising and agreeing to go to that Italian chain restaurant to make people happy (no offense to Italians or chains); you’re changing your appearance and doing something that appears you truly don’t feel comfortable doing.

    I hope I’m not being presumptuous. I’m not trying to tell you what to do; I’m someone who spent way too much time trying not to rock the boat, and hating myself because of it. I echo Dig’s statement that things may change in time. Be open to the idea that it might be worth the risk of temporarily upsetting your mom in exchange for your personal happiness.

    • February 14, 2010 at 2:29 am

      I think Dig is right about things changing in time. Currently, I feel that standing my ground might potentially be more disastrous for me, as I wouldn’t be able to defend myself or my desire to dress differently adequately. I think that that confidence will come in time. And then I will be able to say “No. Sorry. I will not. That is not who I am, or what I want for myself.”

  6. February 11, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    Lookin’ good, bro!

  7. e
    February 11, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    One of these times you’ll say No. And mean it. But not in a confrontational way, in an explaining way. You’ll be able to say, No, I’m not comfortable in a dress so I am going to wear slacks instead. And there won’t be any need for discussion about it.

    In the meantime, yeah, go for the thick, opaque black tights. They cover a lot of hair. Or, be bold and just go with your leg hair hanging out! That’ll send a message!

    I think you need a big, clunky, leather belt to go with the khakis… :-)

    • February 14, 2010 at 2:30 am

      I do, I do need a belt. I actually got a little ambitious with my belt tightening and broke my old belt. Thus, no belt for my pants. Very foolish!

  8. SBJ
    February 14, 2010 at 1:18 am

    Nice colors! I pouted a little for you when I read your tweets earlier today. Hang in there!

    • February 14, 2010 at 2:31 am

      I didn’t meant to be so whiny on Twitter! But I was whiny and pouty. Thanks for pouting with me. And thanks for the colors compliment!

  9. kalisisrising
    February 14, 2010 at 8:23 pm

    First, you are a serious hot butch. Love those khakis.

    Second, you will find that space to occupy where you can be who you are, and not in an F U way, but in a “this is who I am and I am ok whether you accept it or not” kind of way. It happens at different times for all of us, but I know when I found that place, I also found so much inner peace. I am who I am and the people who love me continued to walk beside me and those who couldn’t handle it fell away. I am better off with fewer, but truer, friends.

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