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December 13, 2009 Leave a comment Go to comments

I don’t really mind telling people that I’m binding, or that I do bind.  I think, at its heart, that is because any gender dysphoria that I do experience usually stems from what I’m expected to do and look like because of my assigned sex, and not that my body itself is female.  However, don’t hold me to this standard over the upcoming months, since the way I feel about my gender changes almost daily, depending on who I’m with, what I’m reading, and how I feel.

I went out with my rugby team this Friday and had a great time.  My teammates are the only people in my social life right now who have met me after my Great Gender Revelation.  I asked them to call me by my last name (which I used to go by much more frequently, until I stopped hanging out with queer people as much in my senior year of college).  They’ve only seen me once in my work clothes after casual Friday – an argyle cashmere cardigan, jeans, and sneakers.  The buttons and fit of the shirt definitely showed that it was women’s clothing, but I was surprised when a very trans-masculine person on the team reached out to feel the fabric and said, “oh, it’s girly soft”.  I got offended and said, “Hell no, men wear cashmere!”  This anecdote explains why, even though I am butch, I’m certainly much more of a dandy and fag than most of the butches I know.   Otherwise, most of the time they see me in button downs.

That night, another girl accidentally brushed up against my breasts and was like, “I don’t know what it is, they kept getting in my way.” I volunteered that it was probably because she’d usually seen me either in a sports bra, or binding.  I have fairly large breasts, and the compression in both cases, makes a pretty noticeable difference.  I thought it was interesting that I didn’t have any compunction about saying that I normally bind; I don’t know if most guys/butches feel that way.  I could see that, if one were protective of a gender variant identity, that one would necessarily be protective of that information.  It’s interesting because I think of myself as “not out” when it comes to the way I identify, and yet, I’m coming out all the time.

Again, I suspect that this is a symptom of being not totally confident in my own identity, as well as the way that I am currently living something of a double life right now.  Although, I’ve slowly begun my “transition” in the workplace – I think people would be surprised to see me looking anything other than “chapstick lesbian”.  Just androgynous, with the occasional cardigan.  I’m beginning to feel more comfortable being myself there, especially as I start to hang out with my coworkers in social settings, as well as at work.  I’m sure I’ll write more on that later, though, as it’s still in development.

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