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November 18, 2009 Leave a comment Go to comments

Despite the insanely long first two posts, my plan for this blog was never to have it be particularly essay-like.  Rather I just wanted to put the observations that came from living my life as a Saturday night butch somewhere, and if something came up that warranted a longer conversation, I would.

First observation: my dress code meeting went fine.  Crazy fine.  In fact, I got called out for wearing something entirely appropriate (Casual Friday: cashmere argyle cardigan + jeans + my silver sneakers).  Some of the things I were concerned about were not discussed even a little bit, which is good.  I would have flipped out if the discussion had centered around hair, make-up, jewelry, or shoes.  Most of the meeting was about covering up.  I doubt cleavage or leg exposure will ever be a problem for me.

Speaking of leg exposure, I’ve been growing out my leg hair since my first day of work, on which I wore a dress (the last time I will ever wear a dress).  This puts me at two months of leg hair growth.  I realize that there are many people who have been growing their leg hair long than I have, but I think I’ve reached my leg hair capacity.  It’s held pretty steady for the last two weeks, and doesn’t look to be growing any longer.  This is kind of sad to me.  My hair is really blond and really straight, and you can barely see anything at all.  Oh well.

Second observation: One of my bosses sends me e-mails with the masculine spelling of my nickname.  I’m fully aware that it’s just cluelessness on his part, but I secretly love it.  I used to go by my full, feminine name in high school, but when I came to college I made a concerted effort to go by my androgynous nickname.  Now that I’m out of college, I’ve got people calling me by my full name, my nickname, and my last name.  My favorites are definitely the last two.  I really love my last name, which I’m not putting down for anonymity’s sake.

Last observations: This weekend I pulled a muscle in my lower back, which means that I didn’t wear my binder like I normally do.  It was kind of disappointing to me, especially because I love the way I look in it, and only get the chance to wear it on the weekend.  It didn’t make much of a difference on Saturday and Sunday, because I was wearing men’s clothes anyway, but it made a big difference on Friday.  Friday night I had a company event at a bar, so I went straight there after work (actually, I made a stop at an all-you-can-eat sushi bar with co-workers first).  After I had exhausted the bar night, I decided to stop by another bar where some of my friends from my sports team were.

If I were transitioning from female to male right now, rather than from female to butch, I suspect I would be much more adamant about who can see me when I’m presenting feminine and who can see my when I’m presenting butch.  As it is, the only people who I’ve made a strong effort to maintain a certain presentation around, are the girls from my team.  I’m not sure why.  I think it’s half insecurity in my masculinity, and half a desire to be recognized as masculine.  But then again, maybe those are the same things.

Anyway, this was their first time seeing me wearing my pleated purple overcoat and carrying a purse over my shoulder.  I definitely got a few comments.  But what was pleasantly surprising to me was the fact that most of them teased me about it in a way that made me think they understood that I was uncomfortable in my outfit.  It felt really good to be recognized as what I am.  Unsurprisingly.

Categories: Introduction
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